"You may have noticed that, in the media, UFO believers are usually referred to as
buffs, a term used to diminish and marginalize them by relegating them to the ranks of hobbyists and mere enthusiasts. They are made to seem like kooks and quaint dingbats who have the nerve to believe that, in an observable universe of trillions upon trillions of stars, and most likely many hundreds of billions of potentially inhabitable planets, some of those planets may have produced life-forms capable of doing things that we can't do.
"On the other hand those who believe in an eternal, all-powerful being, a being who demands to be loved and adored unconditionally and who punishes and rewards according to his whims are thought to be worthy, upright, credible people. This, in spite of the large numbers of believers who are clearly close-minded fanatics."
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"Here's all you need to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid... besides knowing that men are stupid, it's also important to remember that women are crazy. And if you don't think women are crazy, ask a man. That's the one thing men aren't stupid about; they know for sure, way down deep in their hearts, that women are straight-out fuckin' nuts."
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"If you have twins, a good idea is to sell one of them. What the hell, you've got two, why not pick up a few dollars?"
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"I don't know when the whole thing started, but I do know that at some point in my life,
toilet paper became
bathroom tissue. I wasn't consulted on this. I didn't get a postcard, I didn't get an e-mail, no one bothered to call. It just happened. One day, I simply found myself using bathroom tissue."
----------
"I'm never critical or judgmental about whether or not a movie is any good. The way I look at it, if several hundred people got together every day for a year or so--a number of them willing to put on heavy makeup, wear clothes that weren't their own and pretend to be people other than themselves--and their whole purpose for doing all this was to entertain me, then I'm not gonna start worrying about whether or not they did a good job. The effort alone was enough to make me happy."
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"Christians must be sick in the head. Only someone who hates himself could possibly think of the pleasures of masturbation as self-abuse."
----------
"If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?"
----------
"Usually, when you go to someone's house they offer you coffee. They say, 'You want some coffee?' I tell them, 'No thanks, I have coffee at home. But I could use a little pancake mix.' I try to get things I need. If I don't need coffee, I'm usually prepared with options.."
----------
"An important factor to keep in mind with all of this restaurant and food talk is yuppie pretentiousness. I was in a Yuppie joint last year where the cover of the noontime menu, instead of saying
menu, actually had the words
lunch solutions. There I sat, unaware that I even had problems, and those nice folks were ready to provide solutions."
----------
"If I had been in charge of reorganizing the government's security agencies into a homeland defense organization, I would have divided the responsibilities into two agencies: The Bureau of What the Fuck Was That? and The Department of What the Fuck Are We Gonna Do Now?"
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"I recently called a friend who was staying at the Marriott. He was staying at the Marriott. I called him there--at the Marriott. I intentionally dialed the number of the Marriott, because that's where I expected him to be. The connection went through. Guess what the operator said? Right. 'Thank you for calling the Marriott.' Well, what did she think I was going to do? Call the Hyatt? He was staying at the Marriott. It would'nt do me much good to call the Hyatt."
--
When will Jesus bring the pork chops? --George Carlin
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