Just watched Asia Argento's directorial debut, Scarlet Diva and thought it was great--bold, daring, so open in an indulgent sort of way. I'd definitely recommend it. It opened today.

It's also very inspiring... as I go in and edit my own film. Not that they're similar. It's just, I don't know, I guess the boldness of it got to me.
...

 
Today was one of those days that was interesting because it was painful and it was a realization that I need to make certain key decisions with my life.

But first things first... I was sitting in the movie theater with a friend (watching Igby goes down) and I happened to ask about his relationship with this stripper that he picked up off the street. She seemed nice and sweet (except for a heavy speed habit) but otherwise someone who'd just had a stroke of bad luck. And he told me how things seemed to be going well in the beginning (isn't that how it always is?) and now, whenever she's over, she never wants to leave and when she has to leave she cries (big crocodile tears) and she talks too much and never wants to shut up and in so many words, that the relationship is basically coming to an end. So I ask, well if she talks too much, what does she say? And the answer is, that she talks about her prostitute mother and her pimp father and her pimp uncle and how her pimp uncle wants to recruit her into his little prostitute ring. Her uncle! And my friend just puts his hands over his ears and thinks, "Enough with the depressing stories. Enough!"

To be fair to my friend, I can certainly understand that his tolerance level had hit it's peak, but all the while, I was thinking... How sad. That's all. Just how fuckin' sad.

And at the end of the day, after I drop him off at the record store, I think about all the bills and all the creditors and how I gotta make some key decisions in my life if I wanna get out of this rut that I'm in.

Now I know these two things have nothing to do with each other but the fact that it all took place in one day leaves me feeling, well, kinda... depressed and sad and lucky too (I guess 'cuz I didn't have a prostitute mother and a pimp father). But all those emotions rolled into one just affected me. You know what I mean? So I thought I'd write it down.
...

 
writing, writing, writing
I can't seem to stop writing
It's got me tense and wired
and I'm getting out of bed at
strange hours
'cuz I can't seem to do anything else
other than write.

It's very bizarre
...

 
"Lump a thousand families together in
a single neighborhood and you have a
floating population of teen-agers
who are hostile and afraid
who flock together
looking for security
and a sense of belonging.
They will create a home for themselves
by fighting for a 'turf' which is theirs
and which no stranger can violate.
This is their fortress.
It is marked out with military precision."
--The Cross and the Switchblade

 
there's something to be said about the horse
in George Orwell's Animal Farm
the metaphor for the abused worker
who gives to the state
and never reaps the reward

not that I wanna be him
BUT...
taking his words out of context
and applying them to my film career
they suddenly start to make sense.

"I will work harder. I will work harder. I will work harder."

makes sense.
...

 
today is a good day.
because I believed
then I didn't
and then I did again.

It sounds like garbage

but it really isn't.
...

 
I've never been a religious person
always feelin' that I had to do things
on my own
without the help of anyone
in the face of so much resistance and adversity.
But suddenly I'm beginning to believe
that things happen for a reason
and sometimes I did
but I was always skeptical
even though I acknowledged the ocassional incident.
And now... it's different.
It sounds simplistic
like some kind of excuse or easy explanation
to say that a door shut for a reason
that a phone-call was for a reason.
but I think it's true
I see it now.
and that's not to say that I'll become this born-again christian
(something I have no interest in)
but I do have a belief now
that there's a direction
there's a path I need to follow
and that the specifics ARE explainable
and that they HAPPEN for a reason.

It's a revelation for me today.
Encouragement.
almost... I don't know...

A new awakening.
...

 
Hmm...I am so friggin' bored
it's unbelievable.
It's 5: 20 in the morning!
How the fuck can I be bored?

But I am.
...

 
For the first time in my life I feel lost
and it's scary 'cuz I don't know what to do.
Literally.
I mean, I know that I'll make films
that I'll always make films
but I mean, I don't know what
to do on a day-to-day basis.
I'm functioning.
That's it.
Not fighting.
Just functioning.
And my God that's scary.

So I keep thinkin' that if I keep doing it
something will happen
even though, for the moment, I'm doing it all alone
so when I say something will happen
I mean that someone will grab my hand
at least that's what I hope

But, in reality, will something really happen?

and everyone has given up on me
including my mother
and that's a hard thing to deal with
because then I really feel like I'm in this alone
but really alone
like I can't talk to/share/describe this with anyone
and it would be so easy to give up this ambition
this obsession really
and go into something tamer, safer
but I can't do it
I just can't do it
and I know... I know
that as hard as I'm struggling
as low down as I go
I just won't give up this dream.
...

 
I'm tired.
Really, really tired of going it on my own.
And I understand the industry is hard.
I understand that persistence is key
(despite what it seems like, I've got persistence comin' out
of every damn orifice).

But I'm still spent. And really, really tired.
...

Note to self
whining
gets really tiring after a while
(exhausting for me too)
so a mental note daily:
keep the whining down to a minimum
even if, on occasion,
I get to splurge.